S:Muting and unfollowing has been so good for me with certain people

H: I have a situation that I'm not sure how to handle. There is a friend in my circle of friends who said something really hurtful to me pre-pandemic and I didn't address it then. Because of the pandemic I really haven't seen her but now she wants to hang out again at Disneyland. During the pandemic I re-evaluated my friendships and realized that she was exhausting for me to be around. I reflected on other times when she was self absorbed and gossipy. I really don't care to spend time with her anymore but I can't fully cut her out because she is still invited to parties I go to. I'm not sure if I should bring up that past event when she hurt me or find a way to avoid spending time with her at Disneyland or other events. I have such a hard time making clear boundaries but I want to do that with all of my relationships. (sorry I'm not saying this in the video - I just got home from work and am cooking dinner and I'm not in a private space at home)

H:Ah, this is good, Jana. Thank you so much. Focus on my own validation. I think she doesn't have the maturity to handle a deep conversation. I can focus on moving on while being cordial to her. I will limit any face to face interactions.

A: H, I have a friendship and situation similar to this. We had a fall out several years ago, and have since become closer again. But we have never acknowledged or discussed the crap that happened, but that's been intentional on my side. I just don't want to get into it and don't think it would benefit me at this point to go back and hash out old things. So now I just show up in our relationship differently. I've learned that I didn't have good boundaries with her before, which is a good part of why things blew up, but I can be friendly with her while keeping interactions more on the surface.

A: Sorry, also not able to talk out loud at the moment! Thanks for reading :)

L: I would decide what behaviors I'm willing to do. She starts gossiping "I'm not interested in discussing this. Did you see we're getting a lot of snow next week”

H: Reacted to "I would decide what …" with 👍

H:Reacted to "Sorry, also not able…" with 👍

H:Reacted to "Holly, I have a frie…" with 👍

L: "I respect that we both have really big feelings about X, so we don't have to discuss it, if you're not comfortable. I'd like to talk about it. Would you be comfortable with taking about it?"

Also if you have other things in common. I have friends I only discuss crochet with, but not politics etc

H: Reacted to ""I respect that we b…" with 👍

S: Even if you use the “for me” language, what if whoever I’m talking to can’t believe that I believe that way. Like they are almost attacking my opinion. What is a good way to set a boundary with that person and maintain the relationship?

A: I love this. Not getting so caught up in the content.

H: Reacted to "I love this. Not get…" with 👍

G: Reacted to "I love this. Not get..." with 👍

L: Replying to "Even if you use the ..."

My experience with this has been that if they can't believe you about what you're experiencing, maintaining an intimate relationship is important. I can be civil and cordial and care, but I keep them at a distance

S: Replying to "Even if you use the ..."

Yes, I agree, but it’s a little harder with a spouse.

L: Replying to "Even if you use the ..."

Yeah that's way harder with a spouse. Do you have someone else you can process church feelings (or whatever it is) with?

S: Hugs Jana. It sucks not feeling understood

S: Replying to "Even if you use the ..."

Yes. I just am looking for way to stop the direction that he tries to take the situation. Maybe something like, “I’m no longer comfortable with this conversation.” ? But I don’t want that to drive a deeper wedge in the relationship.

L: Replying to "Even if you use the ..."

Would something like "I want to maintain the closeness of our relationship and us discussing the church is not helping us stay close. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

L: Replying to "Even if you use the ..." work?

G: I have a question ... Is telling someone that they're "coming across" a certain way a good way to phrase it? Or is there a better way?

L: Replying to "I have a question ....."

Would "when you X I feel Y" work?

Jana: Thanks Stephanie

S: Thank you!

S: No that’s great!

H: Thanks Jana!

S: Thank you Jana

J: Thanks Jana!

P: Thank you!

E:You’re great! Thank you!!

G: Thank you!

L: Thank you!